We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
