I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
