I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
