Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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