I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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