Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
