Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
