pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize