he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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