you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
