Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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