My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
