If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize