Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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