I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
