he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
