She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
