Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
