Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
