I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
