I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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