she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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