i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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