The police scanner is talking about you again....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
