i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
