A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
