it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
