My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
