proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
