Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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