I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There was a lot of him and a little penis
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
