just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
