Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
