im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
