fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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