I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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