You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
