if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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