my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
