Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize