He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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