I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
