I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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