A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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