The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
