If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There r osticjed everywhere
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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