I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
