i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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