can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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