Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize