the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
