mondays should just be called national damage control day
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
