Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
