ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
