Will you blow on my dice?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
