He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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