please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize