No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
