If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
