I think I died a long time ago.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
